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Tips to waste time in Meetings

Time-Waste Techniques

Time Waste Techniques

  1. Invite everyone. You wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by not including them. However, be careful about inviting people who might try to accomplish something during the meeting. On the other hand, make sure you invite people who tell good jokes, like to goof around and are generally entertaining.
  2. Don’t start the meeting until everyone has arrived. Starting a meeting on time would be rude to those who are late. Plus starting a meeting late helps everyone feel more comfortable about being late next time, which almost assures you will start the meeting late every time.
  3. If you are boss or moderator or key decision maker or tie breaker then make sure that you attend a meeting just for 5 min randomly, inform organizer to start meeting and carry on without me, I will join later.
  4. Never, never, never have an agenda. Agendas create structure that can stifle tangents.
  5. Leaders should do most if not all of the talking. Since the leader knows best, it makes the most sense that he or she talk the most.
  6. Only those with “good” ideas should provide them. Anybody who submits a “stupid” idea should be laughed at, mocked and generally spit upon.
  7. Give people freedom to “multitask” during meetings. Let everyone know at the start of the meeting that if they need to do other things such as texting, reading email or answering calls to go right ahead. It will make the meeting all the more productive for everyone.
  8. Never make assignments. Assignments mean work will need to be done.
  9. Don’t recap any past meetings, that way you can keep talking about the same things from meeting to meeting
  10. Never end a meeting on time.
  11. Ask people for their opinions and then tell them what you were going to do anyway, that’s a real great way to shut everybody up.
  12. Never commit to anything, that way no one can be held accountable
  13. Analyze the crap out of everything, that way you can avoid attempting implementation
  14. Have the meeting between 8 and 5
  15. Provide comfortable seating, so that people do not feel uneasy even after one hour.
  16. Provide drinks, snacks or a catered meal.
  17. Hand out potato chips in small sealed bags.
  18. Include consultants or coaches.
  19. No RSVP required.
  20. Make it daily or weekly or otherwise make it an institution.
  21. Avoid assignments and anything specific with date requirements attached.
  22. Never assign responsibility for anything.
  23. For god’s sake never keep a record or minutes.
  24. Make sure attendance is mandatory.
  25. Encourage the circular argument
  26. It’s best if everyone is exceedingly hyper-polite so that two good things can happen a- Alternative points of view are withheld until the post-meeting hallway conversations begin otherwise there’s the risk of improving any decisions made during the actual meeting, b-Any self-indulgent ramblers  in attendance can regale the captive audience without being nudged back on topic (a freedom which, I imagine, must be quite fulfilling).
  27. Stand up and say you have one question for the group. The question is why are we making products or providing services that nobody wants at a price no one is willing to pay. You will never be asked back. Guaranteed.
  28. Be sure that everyone has their cell/iphone/blackberry on so the team knows who is important.
  29. Don’t ask anyone to silence their PDAs or cell phones, so when they ring or alert that there is a message or call they can answer it while in the meeting.
  30. Scatter extension cords around so people can plug in laptops
  31. If you are leading the meeting, read your mail to the group, good chance half the information won’t apply and people love having you read your mail in front of them

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